So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
