If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
