life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Randomize
