I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
