I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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