There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
