Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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