My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
