does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
