Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
