just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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