What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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