Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
