i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
