Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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