I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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