I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
