She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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