last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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