we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
how drunk are you?
Several
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
