I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
