Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
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