in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
