Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
How external is "for external use only"?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
