I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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