I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
