matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
