Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
