I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
