I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize