can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Randomize
