I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
