Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
