Will you blow on my dice?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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