dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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