It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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