Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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