grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
