Your dad touched me again.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
