There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
