i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
