I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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