the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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