When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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