I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
