I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
