i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
