He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
