Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
