Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
