Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
This girl is more easily done than said...
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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