i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You need Xanax blowdarts
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
