Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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