I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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