booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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