I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize
